Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
