I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I need moral support for this bender
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I pour the whiskey from now on
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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