So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead