I cannot find my penis.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.