ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic