I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns