Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.