It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"