So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
COCAINE IS GR8
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