Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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