did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
