to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
