8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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