My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
