I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
