I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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