Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
