Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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