I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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