Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
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If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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