don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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