Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
