I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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