No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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