Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
