normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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