It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
