Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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