I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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