Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
