Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
