Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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