So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just invented taco cereal.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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