I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
