i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
