I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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