I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
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I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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