How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
