youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
