Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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