her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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