So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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