I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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