his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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