just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
