that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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