Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
