I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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