Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
my poor anus
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
