you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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