dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
