Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
