this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
