before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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