The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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