You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
