I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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