So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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