I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
